Wednesday, October 29, 2008

of soul, of essence, and talents.

Sometimes I have to remind myself of who I am.

Ye... I know.
I'm chaya mushka.
That's not my problem.

I sometimes mix up WHAT i am with WHO.

I have to remind myself that I am a mere person with responsibility, capability, personality and talent.

But what more?

Sometimes I think I'm funny.
So I act that way.
And everyone says 'Wow, your're funny!"

Sometimes I think I'm cute
So I act that way.
And people say "mmmmm... I wanna eat/ squish, kush/mwwwwwwa you up!"

Sometimes I think I'm responsible.
So I act that way.
And people say "Wow. You really have your priorities straight!"

Sometimes I think I'm cool
So I act that way.
People don't say anything, cuz after all nobody really cares if you're cool or not. Just on of those things that totally don't matter.

Sometimes i think I'm inspirational
So I act that way.
And people say "takeh a rebbetzin..."

Sometimes I think I'm brave
So I act that way.
And people say "Sheesh! I thought that you're a fraid of dogs!" --uh... I am...

Sometimes I think I'm smart
So I act that way.
And people have lots to say and ask.

Sometimes I think I'm studious
So I act that way.
And people say "Hey. I like your glasses and pigtails and that apple looks scrumptious..."

Sometimes I think I'm fun
So I act that way.
So people scream

Sometimes I think psychological
So I act that way.
And people speak. But I don't hear. Instead I interpret every word they say and analyze their character and personalities.

Sometimes I think I'm artsy
So I act that way.
So people say "any news from Greenwhich Village??"

Sometimes I think I'm busy
So I act that way.
So people say " Don't you ever eat dinner with your family?"

Idont know how many of you listen to Lipa, but there's one song I was just listening to, titled "A Poshiter Yid". Despite my terrible yiddish vocabulary, I managed to catch on to the line: "Ich bin Lipe, ich bin nisht dee groyste, ober ich vill tzu zayn meine beste."

Meaning: "I am lipa, I am not great, but I strive to be the best I could be."

Like that good 'ole Reb Zushe story: Reb Zushe Meanipoli said: "After 120 years and I go to shamayim, they're not going to ask me why I wasn't like Moshe , Aharon or the
Avos. They're going to ask me why I wasn't Zushe."

So that leaves me with a question.

What am I so that I can be the best me??
My essence is calling, but I can't pinpoint from where I hear the sound.
Its voice echoes yet again. I search even more.
Not for WHAT I am, but for WHO I am. For identity. I'm not funny, artsy, cute, studious, smart, psychological, brave, inspirational, cool, or responsible. I'm something deeper. that's just the surface.

Often times we search for our essence. But what is our essence?? Does it really exist?? If so, how do we know what it is so that we can strive to be what were meant to??

Maybe. Just maybe. Its not that. It says (I think in Tanya) that one should never be satisfied with himself, his behavior and middos.

I think I understand. My essence is made up of those traits on the surface. Artsy, funny, studious, etc. make up my essence. So do middos.
So I think I know what to strive for: in order to find and ignite my essence and realize who I am, I have to put together WHAT I am. Throw in the match and ignite the fire.
Just keep striving to do my best learning from others.

And then, I'll truly be "Chaya Mushka "


  1. good one barfy!!! it reminds me of a story with the Alter Rebbe.

    The Alter Rebbe once was holding the Tzemach Tzedek on his lap when he was a little boy. and the A"R asked him, "Where is Zaidy?"
    so the T"T pointed to the center of the A"R face. The Ar said, "that's my nose where is zaidy? so the tt pointed to his zaidys head. "thats my head," the ar told him. confused the tt tried once more and pointed to his zaidy's heart. the ar responded that s my heart, where is Zaidy???

    with that the TT slid off the ar's lap and left the room. as he passed the door he banged himself onthe door and cried out in pain. the ar got up to help and calm down the tt. when the tt saw his zaidy he cried out, "Ah-there's Zaidy!!!!!!!"

    "Zaidy" can't just be described by a body part. hes's the undefinable and indescribable 'I'-a whole being-the neshama, who uses the body and talents and characteristics as its tools..

  2. cute barfy - i love this one a lot. great story chenchie. point well taken

  3. Wow. This is a great post. Girl, you got talent!

  4. thanks altie :)

    ya really think so... this one happens to be on my List of Posts that Make me Cringe... lol