Monday, November 16, 2009

This day a year ago

This day, one year ago...
we breathed the air of uncertainty, unable to believe the impossible that actually was.

This day, one year ago...
questions flooded our minds, and pain filled our hearts.

This day, one year ago...

we prayed from within begging for the salvation of those we hardly knew.

This day, one year ago...

we were all brothers fighting alongside one another, knowing that although we lost lives, we really won.

This day, one year ago...
even the farthest came back, if not for eternity, then just for a moment.

This day, one year ago...
all were eager to give anything, do anything, just so that G0d could go back on his ways.

This day, one year ago...
History changed. it now had another chapter to tell over, another event to file.

this day, one year ago...
we changed. our outlooks changed. we became more giving, caring people, maximizing each moment as if it were our last. Cuz we knew then, that G-d gives and G-d takes. We are just living on borrowed time, time not meant to be wasted away by frivolities but filled with acts of goodness and kindness.

And now, its one year later. Time heals, you know. Like it or not. Take it or leave it. Sure, the pain's there, but sadly, we've come to terms with the reality of it. We see now that there is no going back. Whats done is done. All we have from here is to go forward, move onward.

So while the Hachlata sheets are passed back, I take one, and stare at it sheepishly. I know that it's is the least I can do to give back to those that gave so much more. But I can't. Suddenly, that paper becomes a soggy sheet drenched in my confusion, letters smudged by my ego. All my doubts come creeping out, telling me that hachlatos are of no use and have no meaning... and "Since when do u believe in these things anyways?"

Since when?
Since when?

Since forever.... until this day, one year ago.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Dancing Passion

That passion dancing in your crystal clear eyes, reflects what once danced in mine. The flicker there reminds me of who I once was. Of where I stood. Of what I lived for. Revoking memories, as if in a dream.

You sign your emails with the words "Moshiach Now!". I did that too.. once upon a time...

You get inspired, pile on hachlatos, and take it all to heart. I did that too... once upon a time...

You're so pure. You innocence blinds, yet reveals whats really there. No distractions. No limitations. I was like that too... once upon a time...

I still see that passion, dancing to a hazy tune of the past, causing the boiling of my blood.

For it's what we see in others that reminds us of ourselves, that we detest the most.

Cuz it opens us up to our imperfections. It exposes our glitches and shortcomings.
It reveals what we long to forget.

And when I see that fiery passion dancing, I know its still somewhere in me, cuz the sting that's there is that of a fresh wound.

Of hate and Jealousy

I despise you.
I despise your passion.
I despise your belief.
I despise you for your unshakable commitment to something you can't prove.
I despise you for your steadfast assurance that what you believe in is true.

I hate you.
I hate you for innocence.
I hate you for your clarity.
I hate you for being able to accept that which is above your understanding, without a question.
I hate you for your faith.
I hate you for what you call your own.

But in truth.. it's not hate. Its Jealousy.

I'm jealous.
Jealous of your passion in that which you believe in.
Jealous of your unshakable commitment, steadfast assurance and clarity.
Jealous of your faith.
Jealous of your innocence.

Jealous because you have something to call your own.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Hi's and Bye's

Its funny how quickly people can change. Or rather, how quickly the change becomes apparent.
I always thought that this blog would last forever, that I would never run out of things to share and say.
But I proved myself wrong once, and then proved myself wrong again.

In case you haven't noticed, I haven't posted in a while. Maybe it was cuz I flunked my first writing assignment of the year, which knocked down my confidence. Or maybe cuz I was too lazy. Or maybe cuz I was afraid.

afraid of you.

Yes, You.

Of your judgements, your misinterpretations, your labels.
Of the way you'll see me, that either I'm growing up too fast, or more immature with age.

I was thinking of shutting this blog forever. But I changed my mind. If the whole world won't accept me, the least I can do is accept myself.
come to terms with who I am.
and eventually you will too.