Catching up on G-d

G-d?.
I hope you don't mind me calling you at this hour, but...
I'm Sorry.
...For loosening my grip, when I should have been tightening my connection.
...For Covering up the real me and faking it all the way through.
...For questioning your existence.
I'm Sorry, but I couldn't help it. You're the master of the universe, so I bet you understand. I bet you feel the challenge and the confusion that fill your children's days. You do, right Father?

Allow me to confess:

Lately [>sigh<] I think I've landed on the pause button.

And now: Deciding, choosing, scrutinizing and hemming and hawing over my options: to fast forward or rewind.
I search for your hand that guides me, but its nowhere within sight. Has it landed on the pause button too? Where can I find you?
And I must. Because where You lie, lies myself.

If you're so big, then how do you fit here?
Is it true, as they claim, that You in all Your glory have a space inside my little heart?
That You guide my soul, with a map drawn with love?

Then why don't You tell me?
G-d, you still there?
Phew.
K. Not done, so hear me out.
Sometimes, because I don't feel you, I pretend Your not there. I ignore Your silent pleas, justifying it because I don't see your presence hovering over me and beckoning Your will.
Sorry, but I need proofs.
But you're right... I could use a little dose of Kabbolos Ol.

G-d, just one more thing.
I know, I've just been beating You up. But at the end of the day, I... love You.
I really do.
Because there is something in me that pulls me to you. Like metal to a magnet.
Because when in pain (and in love), I instinctively turn to You in Prayer. And I can feel my connection soar.

So my one little prayer:
Like you clear up the skies after the storm, clear up the Confusion and reveal your depth with clarity.

Because no one seems to get you. No one seems to understand you. But we want to.

Yeah. I want to.

I'm sorry G-d.
And thanks for not hanging up on me.