TO BE INSPIRED

Today was the most uninspiring day I've had in a long long time.

At first, I looked for inspiration.

When I yielded no results, I stopped looking.

And I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

But nothing .

-----------

The ability to be or become inspired comes from the G-dly part of us. Unlike instinct, which comes naturally, like the desire for food, for example.

But things that don't come naturally take energy. ...and I had none of that today.

So, I never DID end up in La La Land of Inspiration today.

But I kinda feel a lil empty.

You know... maybe it is worth the extra bit of energy. :)

On a Roll...

I don't know how many of you have gone bowling lately or not... but whatever the case, try to picture this scene. 

It's your turn up. 

You swing the ball, aim, and roll. 

your eyes follow the ball in anticipation.

it begins to veer. Eyes closed, you silently beg : "NO...no...no..."

Too late..... much to your disappointment, the ball heads straight to the gutter.

````

It's your turn up again.

You swing the ball, aim, and roll. 

Your eyes follow the ball in anticipation. 

 It heads straight, straight, straight, hits smack into the pins.

 The once neat set of rows, clash, crash, and fall. 

Hands shoot up-----> oh yeah!!!

---------

You know, parenthood is  kinda like a bowling alley. 

Parents "pick up the ball, aim, and swing" us for a short while. This is the point where they teach their children life's lessons and set up good and stable foundations for their children. 

Then,  they can't hold onto their children forever, so  they have to let go, let them out into the real word. 

Eyes squeezed shut, they pray.

"Please stay in the path. Please remember to make the right choices, and to keep  focused on where you're heading."

At times, the ball rolls in a zigzag, but eventually, it makes it. 

At other times, the ball heads  straight and smoothly hits the pins. 

And then, there are times where the ball veers completely off the path, straight into the gutter. 

The ones that have bumpers never fall. 

..And even for the ones that do......

...there's always a ball retriever to bring them back ;)

Shallow vs. Deep

Hanging around my (not yet) frum cousins lately, has gotten me wondering.

They go to Hebrew Day School and know the Mitzvos. They go to temple, and keep the basics of the holidays.

So aside from their lack of frumkeit, what makes them so, so different then me?

After much thought i realized.

To them Judaism is a bunch of laws, restrictions, yeses and no-nos.

Point blank. Square. Am I allowed, am I not allowed.

To me, Judaism has depth and meaning. Diversity. Reasons and Clarifications.

Puts a whole new, better, purer, healthier outlook on life.

Just another reason why I love being a Chossid and a lamplighter :)

In Perfect Balance

Hmmm...
Does having a balanced life mean..........

That there's an answer to every question...?

A solution to every problem...?

A half to every half...?

A resolution  to every conflict...?

A winner to every battle...?

A leap backwards to every progression...?


When I think of balance, I picture serenity, peace, clarity, and harmony.

When I think of the opposite, I picture chaos, disunity, and disharmony.

Should I live the rest of my life trying to come to terms, despite the fact that there isn't an answer to every question?

Is simplicity and clarity only for the simple minds of children, and the complex minds of the old?


Searching for someone with the answers--- but till then... life's just a balancing act. :)

Hmmmmm.................

If the world says that we should aim to be leaders, not followers, then who will follow those that lead?

Reflecting on Life

I'm looking at myself in the mirror. I give a twirl or two.
I step back, admiring my looks.
I step forward, close to the mirror.
So, so close, my breath is reflected as a hazy cloud of fog.

I look carefully, examining my features.
At first, all i see is the surface.
Then looking hard, something deeper comes in view; my innermost thoughts and feelings come to life. 

The mirror reflects externality, yet it arouses my inner emotions. 

What's inside is being reflected on the outside. 

Others perceive us by our looks, and we get sterotyped by how were perceived. 

... and our perception by others is whats usually most important to us, and is what most of us form our lives by. 

So, am I living because of me or am I living because of you?  

So so so proud :)

You  know you're in an Conservative Temple if... 

* You come to the bathroom, and under the black engraved- "Nashim"- it says in small letters-

"Please remove ur prayer shawls before entering. "

* You  hear "Adon Olam" .. at the end of davening to the tune of Maoz Tzur (Chanukah spirit n stuff :) 

*  There are special kippas for sale at the front, blue for men, beaded for ladies 

* Someone chants "Shomer Et Hashabat" over the microphone 

* The Rabbi kisses everyone on thier way out 

~~~~~~

How do i know??? 

 Well... after spending my entire shabbos morning waiting in the lobby while services were in session......  I think I should know.... 

So proud to be a chassid...... LIGHT ON fellow chassidistes :) :) :) 

BE PROUD :) :)

Life's Little Struggles :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Waging war between
yes TV or no TV

If no- who am I trying to impress?
If yes- who am I trying to fool?

I feel the battle at high stride as I step into the airplane.


I look around. No TV.

Problem solved :)

Thank you Hashem!

Everyone's Got a Miracle

THE question arose when my teacher, in the spirit of Chanukah, asked the class to share miracle stories. I racked my brains to try to come up with one, mostly to take up more class time, but produced only negative results.

At first, I didn't really think about it, but then when more and more girls started coming up with miracle stories, I got this little nagging feeling. Really, do I have a miracle story? I mean... I never missed a plane that crashed or anything?

Miracles.

Hidden miracles.

Blurred by obstruction, covered by illusion.

Revealed miracles.

clarity.

Aha moments =!=.

What are my miracles?

No aha moments. No refreshing senses of revelation.

But... Happy Moments.

Delightful moments.

Joyful moments.

Awesome moments.

Inspiring moments.

Sunrise.

Sunset.

Simplicity.

Complexity.

Love. Friends. Life. Laughter.

:)

My miracles.

.............................aaaahhhhaaaaaa.... ;)

WE nearly danced out of the NOKIA store, under strings of red and green lights.  The Snow was falling rapidly, and my feet were numb. But inside, I felt like my neshama could fly. 

We hadn't expected it, in the least. Maybe a yid or two, and three, if lucky. 

I'm still WOWED by the way we found so many Jews. 

----

We had already walked up and down the street twice, and did the not have the least success. Some of those we stopped  nodded and rushed away, others smiled politely and said they weren't-- " ...and  NO! my boyfriend ISN'T  Jewish either, thank you very much." 

With our hope dissipating, we contemplated heading home. Suddenly, we bumped into a guy, short, round, with a cigarette dangling from his mouth. 

We told him what we were doing, and he pointed out to us 2 stores with which the owners were Jewish. We thanked him profusely, and ran to the stores, still holding onto  our last glimmer of hope. 

And it didn't stop there. We soon  realized that almost EVERY store on the block was Jewish. we just never entertained the thought that they might be. All it took was one man to tell us there were 2 Jews, to lead us to find more. 

-------

 There's two ways to look at mivtzoyim. 

a) I'm doing then a favor by going out of MY way. 

b) they're doing me a big favor, by giving me the satisfaction. 

I prefer the latter. 

They gave me so much more. Every time someone said  "YES, I'M JEWISH!"  I was so proud! 

I felt so good..... 

You see, cuz when i give a gift to the Rebbe, He gives it back to me =)

taken by me.

designed by
BOGO.

Snowfall

Little white gems glistening
against the backdrop of the nighttime sky.

A soft glow,
a obscure twinkle.
Head back,
tongue out.
Snowflake, make landing on my tongue!

Watching with scrutiny at the tip 
as the snowflake dissipates.

Inside:
All bundled up under fluffy down blankets
Sipping hot cocoa with
white fluffy marshmallows bobbing up and down.

Baking chocolate chip cookies. YUUMMM !

Mismatched socks, warm PJ's,
warming toes on the heater.

mmmmm.....


ahhhh!!

Luv snowfall....

On Actions and Reactions

Predictions are G-d'ds thing. When set by man, they are usually questionable and in many cases, untrue.



For good cause, good will, self-interest, and the like, AND despite the odds, people are still predicting. Events, ups- and- downs, economics, statistics, politics, improvements, outcomes, are amongst the many things predicted. 

BUT, in case of reaction, no one ever knows what it will be.

Today I say something, tommorow- it was just the lip service of yesterday. But when actually forced into a situation or predicament, we can never predict the outcome of our actions.

BUT  remember-a reaction to an action has the power to change an action in itself.

Doing my Part as a Part of a Whole.

A spark has died out.

multiply that by two .

Rresh tears spill

as i try to nurse my wounds.

Chassidim ain mishpacha,

as jews- kish echad,

the blood of my brother

is my own flesh and blood.

If one limb is infected,

so are we,

cuz we are all connected,

one body.

So when I walk down Kingston,

just after news reach my ears,

inwardly, I'm wondering,

why I'm not witnessing tears.

Children continue laughing,

licking ice cream cones.

Women chatting idly,

to their friends on their phones.

Passing by the nail salon,

I see it filled to the brim,

Who has time to get their nails done,

When there's a battle we didn't win????

Call me selfish.

Call me egotistical.

Fine, I'm overdoing it.

Expectations: Way too high.

The world keeps turning, i yell "STOP!"

Freeze.

Standstill.

But yet,

Who am I?? 

 A mere speck of grime, for even the dust of the righteous are like rubies and gems. 

----

Life will move on,

the world will keep on spinning,

But we won't stop fighting this battle,

until we're sure were winning.

As another body part ,

to the person that we form,

I WILL to do my part,

aside from cry and mourn.

I have realized the meaning

of selflessness

of giving.

And I will strive to be

a living legacy,

despite my personal pain,

despite the tragedy.

We live,we love, we lose,

and then we live again.

so...

time to move on world----> keep on spinning.

I'm gonna go my part.

and with that,

I know were winning.

MOSHIACH NOW!!!

When Reality Strikes

I always thought I knew it all. Had all the answers. Had what it takes.

I walked with my head held high. Then, on one fine day, I bumped into reality.
He knocked over my pride. and I was left alone to pick up the remnants ofwhat was left.

humbly.

The Pessimist

"Stop and Smell the Roses"

--always thought it was a ryme to a poem,

a lyric to a song,

a saying to be quoted.

...but then I realized that I haven't even noticed there were roses outside.

cuz there arent any.

Prayin to the PC?

ok.

i cant talk now, so ill write.



hold on ... im unsure where i should lay my eyes. on the keyboard?

the screen or the siddur on the table?

??

ok.

fine. im done ashrei.

so now i can break a bit and focus only on the screen.

still cant tallk.

i can write though.

ok.
forget about it. i just spoke.

so now, im officially prayin, talkin, and typing at once.

always knew i was talented ;)

hhmmmmm.....

something in me is giving me this guilt feeling.....

ouch.


***********

that's it.

no more computer before davening.

or anything else for that matter.

Care to join?

From My Window

2 windows face each other, with the cold street below as an only separation.

From my window, I gaze out silently.
Below, a lone figure gazes up at the window parallel to mine.





He calls out to his children. Voice soothing like spring rain. The children hear him. Footsteps can be heard, as small round faces peek out of the window. At the sight of their father, the children break out in huge smiles. They scurry back inside, only to be seen toppling down the stairs moments later as they rush into their father's loving arms.



I witnessed this scene from my window every Friday night, as a tear ran down my cheek, and a warm feeling swelled in my heart.





Fast forward 6 years.






Two windows face each other.

Below, a lone figure gazes upwards. I hear his voice softly resound. Cold Silence. A window curtain or two swings shut.




The father has come to pick up the children. He calls out, but they do not heed to his call.
Instead, they leave him to pick up the remnants of a heritage they've so blatantly thrown away.





From my little place at my window, a tear of sadness rolls down my cheek, yet a heavy stone of hope fills the crevices of my heart. For still, there, standing amongst the shadows, a father stands, eyes gazing upward. Calling. Waiting for someone to heed the call.

Ready for The Call

Today I learned the meaning of emunah from a very special person  named Esther. 

It wasn't under the most pleasant circumstances, you know. You see, Esther is confined to her hospital room. 

The five of us made our way through the hospital wards.
Visiting people, singing to them and giving them our time and friendship.
And all the while, I thought I was giving.
That is... until I entered Esther's room.

We came in all in smiles. After hugs, kisses, and greetings, one of us asked her: " Do u know what today is?? Today is the day Moshiach is coming! When he comes were gonna dance and sing outside on the streets!! "
I saw Esther's eyes light up. " "What time??"
"In any minute!"
She threw off her sheets and started getting up. "In that case I have to get ready!" We didn't want to cause her any trouble so we reassured her that we'd come get her when he comes.

With that she had a barrage of questions. 
"Will you?? Am I pretty enough?? Am I dressed?? I better go put on my coat! Should I change??"
-----

And there I stood, thinking.
We need to believe in something in order to live. But for someone confined to a hospital room all the time, 7 days a week, finding a basis for belief is so much harder than when you've got it all.
She gave me a lesson I'll truly cherish. Despite what i feel i DO'NT have, the one thing i am really lacking is moshiach. and even more so... despite what I DO have, what's still missing is moshiach.
To get up at any moment. To be ready and prepared. To ask ourselves all the time "Am I dressed well enough? Am i prepared?? Am i ready??"

Yes.

I know, life is a fleeting being, but a belief remains despite all odds.

so... I ask myself....
Am I ready????

sooo.... lets farbreng!!

20 bags of chips. 72 girls. 25 niggunim. 100's of inspired thoughts. One farbrengen.

The whole atmosphere. Its all different. Its like I feel a special kedusha inhabiting my heart. My neshama is soaring, taking in the those tingly thoughts in inspiration. disscusion. Slow niggunim that pull at your heartstrings. Fast ones that make your neshama leap with joy.

Come to think of it.... what type of thing is a farbrengen??????

I mean... come on...?

Since when do u stuff a bunch of teens in a room and come back to find them clapping to the tune of a niggun? Sharing their most inner and thought provoking thoughts, inspirations, and aspirations??




"Farbrengen" is the ultimate Lubab trademark!! Speak to anyone. The tisch, the kumzits, etc... None of those beat what we've got!!!

And I'm proud...:)

of soul, of essence, and talents.

Sometimes I have to remind myself of who I am.

Ye... I know.
I'm chaya mushka.
That's not my problem.

I sometimes mix up WHAT i am with WHO.

I have to remind myself that I am a mere person with responsibility, capability, personality and talent.

But what more?

Sometimes I think I'm funny.
So I act that way.
And everyone says 'Wow, your're funny!"

Sometimes I think I'm cute
So I act that way.
And people say "mmmmm... I wanna eat/ squish, kush/mwwwwwwa you up!"

Sometimes I think I'm responsible.
So I act that way.
And people say "Wow. You really have your priorities straight!"

Sometimes I think I'm cool
So I act that way.
People don't say anything, cuz after all nobody really cares if you're cool or not. Just on of those things that totally don't matter.

Sometimes i think I'm inspirational
So I act that way.
And people say "takeh a rebbetzin..."

Sometimes I think I'm brave
So I act that way.
And people say "Sheesh! I thought that you're a fraid of dogs!" --uh... I am...

Sometimes I think I'm smart
So I act that way.
And people have lots to say and ask.

Sometimes I think I'm studious
So I act that way.
And people say "Hey. I like your glasses and pigtails and that apple looks scrumptious..."

Sometimes I think I'm fun
So I act that way.
So people scream


Sometimes I think psychological
So I act that way.
And people speak. But I don't hear. Instead I interpret every word they say and analyze their character and personalities.

Sometimes I think I'm artsy
So I act that way.
So people say "any news from Greenwhich Village??"

Sometimes I think I'm busy
So I act that way.
So people say " Don't you ever eat dinner with your family?"


Idont know how many of you listen to Lipa, but there's one song I was just listening to, titled "A Poshiter Yid". Despite my terrible yiddish vocabulary, I managed to catch on to the line: "Ich bin Lipe, ich bin nisht dee groyste, ober ich vill tzu zayn meine beste."

Meaning: "I am lipa, I am not great, but I strive to be the best I could be."

Like that good 'ole Reb Zushe story: Reb Zushe Meanipoli said: "After 120 years and I go to shamayim, they're not going to ask me why I wasn't like Moshe , Aharon or the
Avos. They're going to ask me why I wasn't Zushe."


So that leaves me with a question.

What am I so that I can be the best me??
My essence is calling, but I can't pinpoint from where I hear the sound.
Its voice echoes yet again. I search even more.
Not for WHAT I am, but for WHO I am. For identity. I'm not funny, artsy, cute, studious, smart, psychological, brave, inspirational, cool, or responsible. I'm something deeper. that's just the surface.

Often times we search for our essence. But what is our essence?? Does it really exist?? If so, how do we know what it is so that we can strive to be what were meant to??

Maybe. Just maybe. Its not that. It says (I think in Tanya) that one should never be satisfied with himself, his behavior and middos.

I think I understand. My essence is made up of those traits on the surface. Artsy, funny, studious, etc. make up my essence. So do middos.
So I think I know what to strive for: in order to find and ignite my essence and realize who I am, I have to put together WHAT I am. Throw in the match and ignite the fire.
Just keep striving to do my best learning from others.

And then, I'll truly be "Chaya Mushka "

ditch

ok...
so im ditching.
ya really.

for the first time ever.

and then never.

because i think ditching is dumb.
unless, that is, if you go shopping....;)

but i ain t doin that now, so till then.........

ditching is dumb.

Diet starts Tommorow :)

"This starts as of tommorow" my nutritionist said as he handed me my customized eating plan for the next three weeks. i smiled casually, bade my farewell, and left the little office.

Reality didnt hit me till later. OMG!!
you mean no more pizza??!!?? never?? never never ever? ??

NO WAY!!

and no more ketchup, or french fries or java lattes or potato chips or buncho bagels or ice cream or donuts or baked ziti or hot dogs or cream cheese or chocolate milk or string cheese or soda or coffee or danishes or salsa and chips or cake or plain good 'ole bread ?? ? ?? ?





i came to my senses!

this means that i have precisely 18 hours to fill up before breakfast tommorow morning.

i quickly ran for the nearest kosher restaurant and ordered a king size baked ziti. With fork in my right hand and knife in the other, i sat ready, my mouth watering, ready to dig in.

after all... i just have till tommorow...

and after that... no more. not even for cheats.



Tommorow. Tommorow. The word is bittersweet.

Close this chapter, only to begin another.

my last chance. still counting down the minutes till tommorow.



until then... Im taking advantage.... ;)

2 stocking stories.

STORY #1



ZSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSZIPPP>>

this was the sound my stockings made as they were ripped in half.

i guess G-d decided that the perfect time for me to get a run was in the midst of a farby in 770 , while i was half sitting, half falling on the ledge of a bench with 50 israelis hovering over my head. REALLY PERFECT TIMING!
oh well...
i ran out of 770, missing The only havdala of the year where its made in the sukkah With a fire.
The only one.
and i missed it. all because of a run in my stockings, created by a nail sticking out of a bench.

Story #2

so here i am walking up Kingston, 20 minutes late to hakafos. Spaced out and in my own world, i am suddenly brought to reality when i trip over a brick sticking out on the sidewalk.

ouch!
my knees are aching. but what is worse is that i fell flat on my face in fron of a group of 20 Israeli bochurim who, really being kind at heart, ran to my aid, which is so univited at the moment. i pick myself up and start painfully walking towards Empire.
When i reach the light, i bend down to see the damage.

OMG!

There is a HUGE run in my stockings!! i cant possibly go to 770 like that!
and even worse, i dont have another pair to change into!
i turn around and head home with nothing else to do. my first initial reaction is anger. i am reallyupset!

hashem, i want to do the right thing, and look what you did to me>??
all i wanted to do was do something to make the rebbe proud!???

cuddled in my pajamas i realized that hashem was testing me. i wanted to do whats right, but hashem placed obstacles in my path. like they say: "If there's a will, there's a way" .
i couldve. i shouldve. i wouldve. but i didnt. I didnt take it as an opportunity to realize that it was only a g-d given test, and i should go for whats right despite the circumstances.
i failed.

Lesson brought home for the future: Dont let insignificant things drag you down from doing what's right!

--------------------------------> and i know with this lesson in mind, that next time, I'll pass! ;)

" A great life isn't about great BIG things; its about small things that make a BIG difference "

---- IKEA

its 1:30 am . i make my way up kingston through the throngs of people, pushing my way to the end of the block.
clouds of ciggarette smoke wafting in the air. music vibrating in my ears. smells of israeli shampoo and french perfume cl0g my throat. feeling pushed around, unable to move or breath. there's always a constant fear of being sprayed with some can of string confetti by some kid on rollerblades.
i f i look carefully over the jam packed railing, i might get a glimpse of some men dancing. The live band playing. flags waving. as i keep crawling my way up to Crown street i might meet my freinds. bump into some people i couldnt care less about.
choked from being buried under a mass mob of humans, and at m y g-d granted height, stuffed in armpits, i just long to get out. The other side. The Heart of the Town. The new hangout in a once old community. come closer. To what?
i dunno. fresh air to unclog my longs.
WHEW!
i've hit the corner of Crown. i can breath. rid myself of this congestion.
But alas! its not meant to be. instead, my head is clouded. my neshama is choked. inward i am crying out from the depths to g-d to help me just pass throught this mess. i still cant breath. my ears no longer hear music. instead they hear the sound of boys and girls laughing, sputtered cursing. The scene is in a smoking haze of ciggarette ash. people clashing, runing, chasing. After what? who knows? as far as i can see they are chasing after a mirage. i long to hide. but i cant. i need to push my self through this and run away.
~~~~
whatever happened to Simchas Beis Hashoeva, that time of joy and happiness?
I, for one, am depressed. This is not what i call happiness. This is what i call negligence. This is what i call dreariness. This is what i call disgust. Must i walk in my own streets to witness everything i stand against in its wake?

and Hence.
I call.
From the depths.
Let every one of these boys and girls find his inner peace, be true to herself. Learn to live, to love. To stop chasing after another's dream and to create for himself his own.

i finnally pass The Mob. They're still stuck in it.

running after honor

it says in mishnayos that when man runs after honor, honor will always be three steps ahead of him. It also adds that when man runs away from honor, the honor will chase him.
A chassid once came to the rebbe with a complaint: "Rebbe, for so long now i have been doing my best to run away from honor, yet honor has never chanced upon me!"

To which the Rebbe smiled and Replied: "Thats because you have to stop looking over your shoulder."

Seein Sights in the Heights

10:00 pm… men, women, and teens, roam the streets. From my little spot on the corner of Union I watch the happenings of kapparos night in Crown Heights. Girls scurrying up and down the avenue in a hustle and bustle of Erev Yom Kippur preparation. Chickens swinging all around me. Men hurrying to catch a minyan. Snippets of conversation in a vast array of different languages can be heard all around. Merchants selling lulavim and esrogim of street corners. And last minute shopping in preparation for the holiest day of the year.
I look around me and take it all in. wow. There is not a better place to live in the world. The sights. The views. The feeling. The smell ( Israelis!!!). I love this place!! I love livin here and I love every moment of it. Which other community can compare?? Which other community is so tight-woven, yet so diverse?? Or accepting, for that matter?
In which other community would you find throngs of people all heading to the same shul for selichos at 1:00 am? In which other community is there ONE live Simchas Beis Hashoeva on the main street of town? In which other community is there ONE shul where EVERYONE feels welcome? In which other community can you walk up the main avenue ( Kingston) at any time of day, to find or make a friend? In which other community can you walk in to your local shul and find it inhabited completely by foreigners? Which other community in the world is the headquarters for a world wide outreach network that hosts more than 2 conventions a year? Which other community would graciously offer their homes, time and food to an entire importing community for an entire month annually?? Which other community is made up of people who all feel a strong connection to ONE leader? Which other community is everyone welcome, despite sect, affiliation, or background?
I love Crown heights. And it’s not for nothing. This is where I belong. This is my home. This is where my past lies and my future stands. Although I know that these days of long nights spent hangin out with my friends in the hood will be long gone as real life takes its toll, my childhood memories will have this place forever embedded. And even if my move away and even if I move far, you will know that CH is always my #1 home.

reach out to me..

A tear trickles from my eyes,
As I try to hold the back the cries,
I just want to be with you,
But not at the level you’ve come to.

I want to see you happy,
But what can I say,
You’re ruining your life day by day.
And if you think you’re running away,
You’re getting more stuck every day…

You’re tangled in a web I can’t explain,
In a huge mess, so insane.
I reach out; I want to save you,
Because I know I’m the only one who can…

But I need you to reach out,
And stretch your hand to me,
I’ll help you figure out
Where you want to be.
There’s good in your heart,
I know it lies within,
But it tears me apart,
To see where you’ve been.

Hanging up the phone with you,
I can hear pain in your voice,
You claim
You want to stay the same
But really you’re drowning in pain…




Answers you don’t see,
But maybe it’s not what you need,
In order to succeed,
You just need to be freed.

Oh, I’ll take you out
Do whatever I can….
I’ll be there for you.
I’ll take your hand.

And only then…. will you be free….


So don’t think i'm leaving go of you,
I’m trying hard to pull you through,
To bring you home,
To show you what is true……..
Just stretch out you hand to me…,
And ill stretch mine out to you…

pain of change...

The clock is ticking,
Its echo calling,
I hope I’m dreaming,
Fear replaced with longing.

I just wish I could,
Go back in time,
Where things were good
And life was fine…

Happy with my life,
Cuz joy was all I knew,
Now stabbed with a knife,
Reality broken into.

I miss all those good times,
And all of the bad too,
The fun ones, the down ones,
Times I shared with you.

I cant believe that times,
Passing so fast,
Can it be that in reality,
Nothings here to last?

Well, even though I know,
And people tell me the same,
To live it up, and that’s how I’ll grow,
I feel quite to blame.

How could I have been so blinded,
How could I have not seen,
That with good, challenge lies behind it,
Changing everything.

I cant say I don’t miss those times,
Happy and carefree,
But at least I can tell myself,
I’m still the same old me!

forgive me if you will!

As I walked home from selichos tonight, I realized that I have so much to be thankful for. Now, this was not the first time I realized this. In fact, every day I am thankful to hashem for providing me with multitudes of blessings. For my life, for my family and for my education.

But tonight's realization was something different. I realized that there is so much more I should be thankful for. Of course, its not huge. Its not small. Its not pretty. You cant even touch it. In fact, its much more then that.

It's a G-d granted power. The power to do teshuvah. We all make mistakes. We all do our wrongs. Like this morning, my alarm clock rang. I knew it was shabbos. Ok- fine. so, am I not suppossed to get my menucha? ?

Well...

I pushed the off button. (with my elbow, of course!)
As soon as I did it, feelings of regret overwhelmed me.

But one thing I knew I could do teshuvah.
I know Hashem will forgive me. I know. I know. I know!!

And thats just another reason why I love Hashem ;)


And then I got thinking. G-d granted us the power to beseech forgiveness. But its more than that. He gave us the power to forgive.

I know I' ve wronged my friends, in somew way or another. And it's not hard to think up of times I have.

Like, loshon hara... it came out of my mouth, not meaning to do wrong. It was just a simple little conversation. But someone was hurt and affected. Myself included, For those guilt feelings linger.

Or when you called me to study with you, and in the end I left you waiting, while I went to study with someone else.

Or that time when I was just soooo stressed out and busy and just simply forgot about you when you needed me most.

Or when I forgot to call you to tell you I was running late and made you stand out in the cold for hours.

Mistakes are made by the best of us.

But we ALL have a G-d granted power.
Use it.

Before the Yomim Neerayim, I am beseeching forgiveness from my friends from the bottom of my heart.
I want to start the new year with a clean record and a neshama pure with the gladness of hashem.


Ksiva vachasima tova and all the best.

Sincerly,
CMBC

about clothes and words

lil long. but worth reading.
k, so this was in the school newspaper, but i think its incredible. worth repeating.But then I got to thinking.About clothing and words and minds and souls...~~~~

Let's say your closet has a few nice things in it.So whenever you have time to think about what you will wear, you can put together something nice.
Very nice.Very, very nice.
Ohmygoodnessyoulookgorgeous kinda nice.:)Great.
But you also have a whole bunch of junk.Those random items you never give away because you still like them even though they don't look the best or are not really fit to be worn.So if you are in a rush, with no time to think, or things are in the wash, somethings missing...you just grab whatever comes to your hand and run.And pray you don't bump into anyone important.~~~~
If you think about it, words are kind of like clothing.We have all kinds of words in the closets of our minds.The good, the bad and the ugly.Usually the words that we use are nice, good, wonderful.Indeed.We choose them wisely when given the luxury of time.We use them to inspire.To impress.To impart.Words can be awesome.But then there are those times when things get a little crazy.Times when there's no time to think and you just kind of grab at whatever words may be in the closet.Like the time you stubbed your toe.Or your shin, your elbow, your eye.(can you stub your eye?)Like the day that car swerved in front of you, nearly scratching your new car.Or the time you missed that appointment you've been waiting months for...Suddenly all kinds of words come flying out!The ones you didn't even realize were in the closet.The words you tsk tsk when hearing someone else say...Where were those hiding?Where did I pick that one up from?Uh oh
.~~~~Lesson learned that fine day:It's all about what's in your closets.Removing all the shmutz and filling them with only beautiful garments.So no matter what, no matter where, no matter when...You will always be caught well dressed.
Posted by Musha

loss

like waves hit the shore,
stabs of greif hit my heart,
the pain of loss...
of letting go...
and of getting over
cant be described in words

when the memories of loss renew,
sadness fills the viod where the hapiness of the past flourished and lived

Yet,

we overcome...
we forget...
we move on....

but the pain of loss will forever linger...