Unmasking Truth

Aristotle's claim to fame was that truth is logical. Truth must be simple, non-conforming, and understandable to the mind's eye. Truth is truth if its attainable to the complex and the simpleton as well. But perhaps, even Aristotle can be wrong. Even Torah says so.

According to Judaism, Truth is complex, enmeshed in depth, and must be sought out with clarity. Yet, even the wisest cannot attain an understanding of truth. Because if they were to unfold the deep secrets that lurk behind infinity, Truth would be cheap. It would be unmasked and lowly, and may very well not be truth at all. After all, it would be limited, instead of us being limited to our understanding, truth would be limited to us, making truth no greater than falsehood.

I am led to believe that no one can define truth. We live in a world where nothing is certain. It can be one thing now, and conform to something else entirely within no time. Everything is masked behind the label, hidden behind the consumer ratings. You can never know if what you're purchasing is the real or the fake. You can never see beyond yourself and your logic to be able to state that truth is logical or illogical. I may come close to even saying that we cannot even define truth.
And that's why we create our own truth. We navigate our way between many worlds of different realms, striving to find something that's ours; something we can hold onto. We only know ourselves to the point that even we can say that our own being is unpredictable to ourselves. If so, can we really fathom truth? Can we really define it?
.
I'm still searching. Don't say you have the answers. You may have them, but they are the answers that suit you. They don't necessarily fit hand in hand with the world at large. I will find my answers.

In the meantime, when you rave your reviews of whatever brand of truth you're currently using, just know, you can never be certain.

Killer Thoughts; Shredded Minds

I close my eyes. And my mind opens.
Thoughts; they spin.
Round and round. round and round.
Creating waves. Leaving and returning where Start and Finish meet.
They hurt. They kill.
They shred my sanity into smithereens.
They burn gaping holes in my heart.
They leave sorrow in my pocket.
They paint confusion in my mind.
I'd like to think of thoughts like an old fashioned ceiling fan.
They cause lots of movement.
But in reality, make no difference.

Heels

I'll never forget the day
When I tried on mommy's heels.
I put them on my tiny feet,
To see how being tall feels.

At first I tried to get up,
By holding to the wall,
But every single time I tried
I'd trip and then I'd fall.

Finally after many tries,
I managed to stand up right.
"The moment we've been waiting for!"
I shouted in delight.

I lifted my foot carefully,
Afraid to make step one,
But I made it. Yesiree!
Wearing heels was so fun!

Until I heard my mommy say
"Whats that noise I hear?"
and I quickly scampered away,
forgetting the evidence there. :P

Dare to Predict

I feel the hairs clinging to the back of my neck, the sensation of liquid vapor enveloping me.
Its hot. Too hot to be midnight in June.
But like everything, nothing is predictable.
My hand reaches for the frizzed locks of curls cascading down my back, but I jerk at the sight a of a cat crawling down the neighbors fence into the nearby dumpsters. I stare at it until it becomes double, and then I quickly avert my gaze, and shift my mind back into the chorus of my many thoughts. Thoughts that never evade me, like an annoying tag-along sibling. I wish I could shake off the specks of my past. Escape the figurative shallow waters I've tread. But still, the deep end can make life hard to sail through. It presents challenges requiring use of mind and intellect, something hard to come by. So I switch my gears. I focus on who I want to be.
Dreams dreamt. Millions of them stare down at me, like faces in the clouds. They're all smiling down at me, the kinda sly smile that sends the chills chasing each other down my spine. I'm scared, so I smile back. One even winks at me.

"Remember what you always wanted to be...?" he whispers.
I nod. Though I honestly don't know. But something about his dreamy voice captivates me, and I'm entranced by his very breath.
He senses that he's got me, "perhaps I shall remind you..." he chants, and his laugh echoes across the entire universe. Images begin appearing in the blackness. I see a young girl. Shes has a fixed gaze, and a content smile playing across her lips. She looks a but familiar. wait, could that be me? wow. I think she is.
Flashbacks: Big decisions- Good versus bad seems simple enough.
Smart Choices- great intentions. So great, even my mother approved.
Brilliant results- expected, but they never came.
Dreams come true- I gave up on that ages ago.

...And with a cackle, the picture bursts and shatters, scattering broken pieces all over.
and the rain pours.
pours too heavily for a midnight in June.
Yet, like unlike everything, shattered dreams are so predictable.

obstacle illusions

The whole world spins around me.
faster, faster, faster.
my mind claustrophobic,
clouded with confusion.
My vision is shaded by the fog of my breath on the window to normality.
My only way out,
isnt one at all.
because ropes are binding me
chaining me down,
making freedom seem faraway.
Freedom is a fairy tale,
tasted only by those who can afford it.
But this is real life.
were chained to our habits
chained to temptation.
Trapped by desire.
Trapped by ourselves.
To the world, we are flawless seedlings.
but through the eyes of our own,
were scarred
blemished.
we are the slaves,
the slaves who created the fairy tales
that the worthy live in.
while we sit inside a broken vessel,
susceptible to falling right through the cracks.
we take our challenges as obstacles.
instead of overcoming them,
we unsuccessfully try to push them away.
and now
were holding on.
Not to a rope.
Not to our past.
Not to our fantasies.

But to each other.

Real Livin

The words are pushing their way up my throat. They're sitting on my tongue, waiting. Its been a long time now, indeed. And these words have long since yearned to be said. Something in my conscience always blocked their flow. they try to escape. but they are just coming out in short, choppy sentences. Though there seems to be no meaning... they carry a whole load of dreams. They carry months of tears. and overflowing rivers of thought. I doubt you'll care if they're said, but to me... they represent some form of redemption. like a little part of me being released from chains that bound it for so long. Those thoughts that always killed me, are finally coming to my benefit.
For now, I am living. For real. Its no longer superficial. Whatever I do is because I know I choose to. Not for the attention. Not for the show. This is no longer my lifestyle because you expect it of me; it's mine because I chose it. It's mine because I made it mine. Because it matters to me. I want this to be my life's mission statement. I want to live by it. For one reason.
Cuz it's mine.

And you can make it yours.
too bad someone else had to think it up for you.
Welcome. :)

and enjoy your eternal ride aboard.

Dear Simplicity

Dear Simplicity,
I miss you. I miss the Ignorance you allowed me to own. I miss the Freedom from fear of the unknown. I miss the way you never let me think about the deep stuff, and how you made everything seem like it was just the way it was meant to be. I never had to choose, for you were my only option.
I miss you. I miss you boundaries. I miss your ever-shielding hands.
I may know the truth now, but sometimes i wish you were here to blind me.
Simplicity.
I miss you.

Lots of Love,

a little quivering soul

Hashkafa Report

A bit old, but worth reading
WARNING: holy stuff

Question: You say I have a soul, but how did it get there? What's its purpose? And how come I don't feel connected to it?

Answer:
Have you ever wondered what the world looked like 5,770 years ago? way back when, (no, you're not so old after all...) There was nothing. Actually, it wasn't nothing. there was G-d, and his Torah. Yet, G-d didn't want his Torah for himself, he wanted it to be used, treasured and adhered to. So G-d created a universe, night and day, water and land, heaven and earth, trees and grass, fish, birds and animals. All this, in preparation for His final Creation: Man. The creation that would overcome obstacles and boundaries. The creation that would do and accomplish. The creation that would contribute, and ultimately elevate this world.

Unlike all other creations that were created my verbal command, man was created with breath. Now, do this little experiment: Say anything random that comes into your head. that was easy, right? Good. Now, take a balloon and blow with all your energy. Not as easy, right? This is because breath is INTERNAL, requiring one to exhaust more energy, whereas talking is EXTERNAL and requires little internal energy. Now, when man was in the making, G-d wasn't just exercising his respiratory capabilities. G-d was giving man something more, something from His very being: a soul.

What's the purpose of the soul?

Well, let me preface the answer with a question: What's the purpose of the body?
You might say to eat, drink and be merry. But those are all fleeting pleasures of the body. Those things don't really fit the purpose.
And that is where the soul comes in. The Body is made to house the soul. Because we live in a physical environment, the soul needs to the body to aid it in connecting the physical to the spiritual.

okay.
So now that we got the body down pat, lets go on to the soul.

Remember what we mentioned earlier in regards to creation? We said that the purpose of creation is for man, and the purpose of man is to elevate the world. How does one do this? With the soul! :) It is the soul within us that aids us in revealing the sparks of G-dliness that lie in everything. We use our five senses to comprehend physicality, whereas our soul is used to pierce through that outer material layer and release the G-dly energy within.

"Well, it's all nice and beautiful and all that...but I don't feel it at all..."

Well, let me tell you this: You feel it more that you think. In fact, three out of the five levels of your soul control your physical functions, your emotions, and intellectual capabilities. So, without you even realizing it, your soul really takes central stage in your life. Yet, there are a few parts to your soul that aren't expressed as easily. These are your belief, will, and mostly, your essence.These are the parts of your soul that require application and activation.

Now, you're probably thinking "Okay... so I have a soul and a purpose, but its 5770 years since creation, 15 or so years since I was born, so maybe it's gotten a lil rusty. I mean, I don't feel like my soul plays an active role in my life..."


True, you may have been around for a while, and the world, for even longer. But your soul never gets "rusty" or "old". You're soul is always active, whether your feel it or not. Yet, sometimes we may lose our connection with it. At times, we may be overwhelmed by life and all it entails, that we may at times forget about our souls.

Have you ever burst out crying for no apparent reason? That's you soul crying for attention. Now, you and I both know that if your little sibling cries, ignoring it won't make it stop. If anything, the crying intensifies. Same with the soul. When your soul cries out for attention, ignoring it only intensifies its need for care. Instead, give it a lil attention and a good dose of TLC. Feed your soul by doing mitzvos, giving to others, praying, etc. Try it. See how good that feels? That's because true happiness is attained when one connects to his essence and makes the balance between supernal and the mundane.

Now that you've activated your soul, you're gonna wanna keep it active, right? How does one keep his/her soul active?
It's a little thing called inspiration.If you ever hear, feel, or see something that ignites that warm, fuzzy spiritual feeling inside, don't just let it go. Grab onto it! Capture the moment, and store it for those times when your spiritual gauge is flashing red. Inspiration is the fuel for the soul. Keep it coming, and you're bound to reach internal peace and calm. Keep igniting, and see your soul go aflame with passion. Try it. It works! 100% satisfaction guaranteed.

Living Paradox

Blame it on Mozilla Tabs. Its the only reason I keep switching off between Taylor Swift's Youtube channel and an article Titled "What does G-d have to do with it?" from Chabad.org. Of course, its not Mozilla at fault, but rather coincidence that is purely to blame. Right?

Theoretically speaking, its all good and true. That's until reality hits. And yep, you're right, I am solely the one to blame. My evil conscious is jumping up and down, holding his tattered blanky, and whining breathlessly in between drinks from his sippy cup. "Nuh uh! nuh uh! Its all HIS fault! Its my childhood! Its my parents' fault! My School is the one to blame! Anyone! Just not me!!!" Sob... Sob... whimper.. whimper...
-"Okay! Fine! We got the point! Now, Shut up down there! will ya?!"

But hey, its 2010 and its about time for that once-in-a-decade reality check.
Yup. The qualifications are all in place...

And the verdict is... (thump thump thump.. judge's gavel hits the podium).... I am guilty.

Okay... this can't be real! Me?!
indeed, my life has caught up to me. And all this time I've been falsely thinking that the race hasn't even begun.

Forget about Mozilla. Forget about coincidence.
If innocence can be reclaimed, then I'll be the first to claim it.
I've allowed myself to believe that by passively living I am taking the easy way out.
Its about time I stop running away from confrontations.
Its either G-d or Taylor Swift. Or Can I make do with both?
I want both. So, so, so badly. The indecision hurts.
Ive been waiting around for the wind to push me in the right direction, but all it's done was knock me down.

I am a living oxymoron, paradox, contradiction. I am unlimited to the limited. I am known by the unknown. Every word I say is counted for. Every thought I think is collected. Every step I take is measured. Someone up there knows it all. And yes, G-d has lots to do with it.

Void

We all come into this world with a big void.

Our job is to fill it.


So, are you filling it with gold?...

...or are you stuffing it with trash?

I BELIEVE.
















thats all.

Dancing in circles

Im all alone in my prison. Just me. And a crank on the wall.
They say that on the other side, there is a mill.
And that every time it turns, wheat becomes flour.
Knowing this has become my only source of comfort.
My source of hope.
My lifeline.

Every day I put in effort. The wheel may be hard to turn,
but I turn it for my good.
For my sanity.


And I put my faith in you.
That when I am free, I can proudly say that the effort was given,
and the rewards are mine, and reap the fruits of my labor.

But what if its all A lie?!
What if I turn the wall and there is really nothing there?

I keep walking in circles with my eyes closed.
Blinded by my faith? Maybe.

But at the end of it all,
will I have produced my wheat?

Or just lost a couple of pounds...

as I walked around in circles.
With my eyes closed.

Thanks, Mr. G-d

Everything in life follows the rule of sequence.

First comes the seed, then comes the fruit.

First comes the labor, then comes the satisfaction.

First we put in the effort, and naturally, we expect appreciation to follow.

But like all rules there are exceptions.

How many times do we give and give, and see nothing in return?

How many times do we pray and pray, and receive no salvation? How many times do we make promises to G-d, and then he just stands by, pretending to be oblivious to our desperation?

At times, I gaze into the blue and see your hand shooting from between fluffy hills of cloud.

And just when I think its coming to wipe the tears off my face and take my prayers straight up to you, it sweeps across my nose, holds my tears, my prayers, on the edges as if dirty tissues, and just casts them away into the vastness of your great big world.

Thanks Mr. G-d.

Thanks for nothing.

This day a year ago

This day, one year ago...
we breathed the air of uncertainty, unable to believe the impossible that actually was.

This day, one year ago...
questions flooded our minds, and pain filled our hearts.

This day, one year ago...

we prayed from within begging for the salvation of those we hardly knew.

This day, one year ago...

we were all brothers fighting alongside one another, knowing that although we lost lives, we really won.

This day, one year ago...
even the farthest came back, if not for eternity, then just for a moment.

This day, one year ago...
all were eager to give anything, do anything, just so that G0d could go back on his ways.

This day, one year ago...
History changed. it now had another chapter to tell over, another event to file.

this day, one year ago...
we changed. our outlooks changed. we became more giving, caring people, maximizing each moment as if it were our last. Cuz we knew then, that G-d gives and G-d takes. We are just living on borrowed time, time not meant to be wasted away by frivolities but filled with acts of goodness and kindness.


And now, its one year later. Time heals, you know. Like it or not. Take it or leave it. Sure, the pain's there, but sadly, we've come to terms with the reality of it. We see now that there is no going back. Whats done is done. All we have from here is to go forward, move onward.


So while the Hachlata sheets are passed back, I take one, and stare at it sheepishly. I know that it's is the least I can do to give back to those that gave so much more. But I can't. Suddenly, that paper becomes a soggy sheet drenched in my confusion, letters smudged by my ego. All my doubts come creeping out, telling me that hachlatos are of no use and have no meaning... and "Since when do u believe in these things anyways?"

Since when?
Since when?

Since forever.... until this day, one year ago.

Dancing Passion

That passion dancing in your crystal clear eyes, reflects what once danced in mine. The flicker there reminds me of who I once was. Of where I stood. Of what I lived for. Revoking memories, as if in a dream.

You sign your emails with the words "Moshiach Now!". I did that too.. once upon a time...

You get inspired, pile on hachlatos, and take it all to heart. I did that too... once upon a time...

You're so pure. You innocence blinds, yet reveals whats really there. No distractions. No limitations. I was like that too... once upon a time...

I still see that passion, dancing to a hazy tune of the past, causing the boiling of my blood.

For it's what we see in others that reminds us of ourselves, that we detest the most.

Cuz it opens us up to our imperfections. It exposes our glitches and shortcomings.
It reveals what we long to forget.

And when I see that fiery passion dancing, I know its still somewhere in me, cuz the sting that's there is that of a fresh wound.

Of hate and Jealousy

I despise you.
I despise your passion.
I despise your belief.
I despise you for your unshakable commitment to something you can't prove.
I despise you for your steadfast assurance that what you believe in is true.

I hate you.
I hate you for innocence.
I hate you for your clarity.
I hate you for being able to accept that which is above your understanding, without a question.
I hate you for your faith.
I hate you for what you call your own.


But in truth.. it's not hate. Its Jealousy.

I'm jealous.
Jealous of your passion in that which you believe in.
Jealous of your unshakable commitment, steadfast assurance and clarity.
Jealous of your faith.
Jealous of your innocence.

Jealous because you have something to call your own.

Hi's and Bye's

Its funny how quickly people can change. Or rather, how quickly the change becomes apparent.
I always thought that this blog would last forever, that I would never run out of things to share and say.
But I proved myself wrong once, and then proved myself wrong again.

In case you haven't noticed, I haven't posted in a while. Maybe it was cuz I flunked my first writing assignment of the year, which knocked down my confidence. Or maybe cuz I was too lazy. Or maybe cuz I was afraid.

afraid of you.

Yes, You.

Of your judgements, your misinterpretations, your labels.
Of the way you'll see me, that either I'm growing up too fast, or more immature with age.


I was thinking of shutting this blog forever. But I changed my mind. If the whole world won't accept me, the least I can do is accept myself.
come to terms with who I am.
and eventually you will too.

One in a Million

When my eye caught hold of her, she was hugging a tree. More like wailing to it, actually. What made her catch my eye? I don't know. But when she did, I was in the interim of processing my surroundings. People rushing by, laughing, talking, or just simply minding their own business. Moms whizzing by with strollers at hand. Children, faces sticky from pink cotton candy, walking at somewhat slow paces in between the occasional running from ride to ride, from one thrill to the next. Colors clashing into one big mush , shooting from all directions.

And there stood a lonely little girl. My eyes locked with hers for a moment, and then she quickly looked away. She was obviously lost. I could tell from the way she buried her head in the tree's flaky bark. She wore a pink shirt to accommodate the long white skirt swept her bare toes. oh yeah, she was barefoot too, did I mention?

I slowly walked over to her and bent down to meet her eye level.

"Whats your name? Where's your mommy?"

silence.

"Are you lost?"

She turned her head away. I could hear her muffled sobs.

"Do you want to go find your mommy?"

her wailing was getting louder, yet she did not respond.

"Come, Ill take you to go find mommy."

I gave her my hand, but she didn't take it. Instead she looked away again. Her sobs were now high pitched. I spoke to her softly. There was no response until she finally relented and took my hand. We walked over to the moon bounce to retrieve her shoes. But when she couldn't find them, she relieved herself from my grip and ran back to the tree. Her tree. Her fort of hope.

I tried continuously to get her to budge and come with me to the information desk so that they could announce her name on the loudspeaker. But she wouldn't move. Her refusal to come was frustrating. But I knew that I couldn't leave her now.

By this point, we had attracted a small crowd of married couples that all tried to offer their best advice on how to get the kid to oblige. Someone suggested that we give her a lolly pop. Right. That's like playing the classical kidnapping scheme, and who said the child's mom hadn't used that exact example to educate her child with the dangers of abduction? And Speaking of mom, where was she anyways?

At long last, someone finally convinced her to come look for shoe again. This time she successfully found them squished between some burly men waiting for their kids to get off the moon bounce. She put them on slowly, making sure not to let me out of her sight.
When she was done, she stood up and took my hand, not leaving go for a second. How Ironic. just moments ago, she had refused to let me help her, and now she squished my hand so tightly, something I translated to mean that she was now relying on me for guidance. Now I was the tree, her fort of hope.

Hand in hand, we walked in between the rides, until finally arriving at the information stand. The kind Assistance woman bent down ans stroked the child's cheek. After acquiring her name, a set of announcements for the girl's guardian were made. I finally let out a huge sigh of relief. until the thought struck me. Why would anyone listen to the announcement? Why would anyone take interest? Nobody listens to them. Loudspeaker announcements are like music to the ears. Passive reminders to anyone that will listen, which isn't anyone at all. So really, what was the point.
Sure enough, the girl was picked up. Apparently someone did hear the announcement.
and heeded the call.
The same way I, one in a million, sought out a girl at a tree stump. No one was supposed to find her. But I did. Cuz that little lost girl reflected a little lost part of me. A little lost part of my soul. And somehow, someway, I heeded her call.
Cause you'll never listen to the call. Until you realize that they're calling your name.

The Apology

You know what I'm talking about. Don't you? Those things that flood your email box just weeks before the Judgement Day? Those annoying, empty "heartfelt" letters begging for forgiveness. Its like... k another apology note... I betcha that she just clicked the "all contacts" button.. with no clue as to who it was reaching or why.

Its just pointless.

This year I won't be sending out one of those "will you please forgive me for anything I may have done..." emails. Yuukkk.

Its not because I don't want to forgive anyone. I do. Really.

Its just that....if I'm apologizing to someone...it should be personal. I should really mean it. Not just another forward sent at the click of a button without much thought or meaning attached.

I want it to come from within. I want to truly feel it, because that the only way you will too.

So the only one Ill be sending a apology note to is g-d. Cuz I know he knows i mean it. deep down, somewhere, I do. Because each year he makes a deal with me. Ill forgive you, If you'll forgive me.

and for everyone else... I hope that I can attain a level where I truly forgive you all... and its only then that I'll expect you to do so in return.

A teacher Called Life

Something is playing with my emotions, but I can't pinpoint what it is.

Today I am happy. Tomorrow I am sad. Its a never-ending cycle called life.

And When I finally feel settled, it's the time to get up again. Its time to face the future, and all that it entails.

When shallow seems impossible to comprehend, it is then where I meet deep. And then I'm forced to face it and confront it. Learn it, process it and take part of it. and Make it part of me.

When I want to cry, you crack a joke, and alas! I'm forced to laugh.

When I want to scream, I just happen to be in public, and I'm forced to hold it in.

When I finally understand, you show me that there is always more. That I can never learn enough. And that there is always enough out there to learn.

When I want to show you how much You matter, You teach me that I can matter more. and that all it takes is effort. And that all that I have to do is try.

When I finally think Ive won, you hand me another battle to wage.

When I finally think I have the answers, You'll throw another question in my face.

-

-

-

- And When I think a chapter is coming to a close, you show me that its only the beginning.